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My Life

        

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Maxine

          

I can't help it...this cracks me up everytime!!! 

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Reminder #15

                   

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Reminder #14

          

 

 

  Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?' 

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.

                       * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.  He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around & he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke & made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, & looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids & began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box & shuffled & stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head & butt & Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

Well, Mary said, it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

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Cute kids

Little Johnny asked his Grandma how old she was.

Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was going down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step ROAR step, ROAR, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I am."

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Guts & Balls - The Medical Distinction

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below:

GUTS -
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your
wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:  "'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS -
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume
and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: "You're next."

Medically speaking, there is no difference. Both result in death.

Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!
Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS:	SAFER:	SAFEST:	ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner?	Can I help you with dinner?	Where would you like to go for dinner?	Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that?	Wow, you sure look good in brown!	WOW! Look at you!	Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about?	Could we be overreacting?	Here's my paycheck.	Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?	You know, there are a lot of apples left.	Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?	Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?	I hope you didn't over-do it today.	I've always loved you in that robe!	Here, have some wine!

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect

So True!

     

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Snoopy quiz

The Ones who care

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read it straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

 

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Now THAT was a little Easier?  

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones who care.

Charles Schulz             

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Slow Dance

SLOW DANCE



Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?
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Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?
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Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
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You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.
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Do you run through each day

On the fly?
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When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?
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When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed
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With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?
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You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.
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Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?
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And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?
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Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die
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Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'
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You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.
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When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.
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When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift..

Thrown away.
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Life is not a race.

Do take it slower
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Hear the music

Before the song is over.