Job Applicant

Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in California. They hired him because they thought he was funny......

Name: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

Sex: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

Desired Position: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

Desired Salaray: $185,000 a year plus stock options & a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer & we can haggle.

Education: Yes

Last Position Held: Target for middle management hositility.

Previous Salary: A lot less than I'm worth.

Most Notable Achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens & post-it notes.

Reason For Leaving: It sucked.

Hours Available To Work: Any.

Preferred Hours: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday & Thursday.

Do You Have Any Special Skills?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

May We Contact Your Current Employer?: If I had one, would I be here?

Do You Have Any Physical Conditions That Would Prohibit You From Listing Up to 50 lbs.?: Of what?

Do You Have a Car?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

Have You Received Any Special Awards Or Recognition?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

Do You Smoke?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

What Would You Like To Be Doing In Five Years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

Nearest Relative: 7 miles.

Do You Certify That The Above Is True & Complete To The Best Of Your Knowledge?: Oh yes, absolutely.