Saturday, September 22, 2007

The Best Living Will I've Seen

 
        
I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to
be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no
circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of
pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if
their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in
simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time
passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
 
              Glass of Wine
                 chocolate
                Margarita ?
                 chocolate?
                  Martini ?
                 Cold Beer
                  chocolate
            Chicken fried steak?
                cream gravy
                  chocolate
                Mexican food
                  chocolate
                 French fries
                   chocolate
                    Pizza
                   chocolate
                  ice cream?
                  cup of tea?
                   chocolate
                  Chocolate?
                      Sex
                   Chocolate
 
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct
my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the
plug, reel in the tubes, let the "fat lady sing". . and
call it a day!

Cute Grandparent Joke

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. 
 
"What is sex...?" 

He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if he's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. 

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. 

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. 

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Remembering

  

   

 

  

  

  

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Dementia Test!

Got this in an email. My kids & I had fun taking it!!!!
 
 
 
Your Yearly Dementia Test 

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. 
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of  intelligence.  Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.  The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 
 
 
 
 
1. What do you put in a toaster? 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.


 

If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 
 


 

 

 

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? 
 
 
 


 

 

 


 
 
 
 
 
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question.  Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

 

However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
 


 

 

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 

 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these???
 


If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
 


 

 

 

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a  crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and  the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?  
 
 
  
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
Answer: You don't bury survivors. 

 

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.

 

If you said, "You  don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
 


 

 


5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?



 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! 
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!

Yes! YOU!


 


Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you. 



Monday, September 3, 2007

To Be 6 Again...

 
To Be 6  Again...
       
    
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her  Birthday.
  
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.  
  
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose
early, made her a nice big bowl of  Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
  
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. 
 
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was  reeling and her stomach felt  upside down. 
  
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra  fries and a chocolate shake. 
  
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,  M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband  and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and  lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??" 
  
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my  dress size, you dummy!"
 
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
 
         

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

This Just Says It All

          

             

Friday, August 24, 2007

Name Game

Cute & fun (as sent to me in an email,
 
1. Your real name:
Ralph Samuel Smith

2. Your gangsta Name: (first 4 letters of real name)
Ralp
 
 
3. YOUR SPY NAME: (favorite color & favorite animal)
Blue Dog

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (last name & street you live on)
Smith Ravine


5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
Smitra


6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink)
Yellow Greygoose
 

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms middle name)
Aisrnle
 

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (parents middle names):
Samuel Barbara
 

9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Sandy

10. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (the name of your first pet & the name of the street you grew up on)
Fluffy Wellington