Disorder in the Courts...revisited

These are from a book called  Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court. Taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

_________________________

 ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:  No, I just lay there.

__________________________

 ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY:  In what way does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:  I forget.

ATTORNEY:  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  "Cathy, where am I?"

ATTORNEY:  Why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:  We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:  We do.

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:  Yes, voodoo.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty one.

__________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:  Are you s*#$! me?

__________________________

 ATTORNEY:  The date of the conception ( of the baby ) was August 8th?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  What were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:  Uh....I was gettin' laid.....

<SPANSTYLE="FONT-SIZE: Arial? FONT-FAMILY: italic; FONT-STYLE: black; COLOR: 12pt;>__________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?

WITNESS :  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?

WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?

WITNESS:  Are you serious? Your Honor, I need a different attorney...Can I get a new attorney?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:  By death.

ATTORNEY:  By whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:  He was medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or female?

WITNESS:  Guess......

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here today pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to you attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:  Oral.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time you examined the body?

WITNESS:  The autopsy started about 8:00 p.m.

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Smith was dead at the time?

WITNESS:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.....

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:  Uh, are you qualified to ask that question?

__________________________

                 AND LAST

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Then, could it be possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be sure?

WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive anyway?

WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practicing law.......