More Maxine

 

 

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE... 

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.    He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 

10. Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the- room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between nap

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!  
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?    

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.     
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on. 
 

 

Funnies

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,”honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond.”Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me thatyou are not holding up your side of things.”

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.
-----------------------------------------------------

 

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

 

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

 

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

 

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

 

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

“Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.

 

He whispered back, ” I found the remote!”

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, “Priest,may I smoke while I pray?”

But the Priest says, “No, my son, you may not. That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks,
“Priest, may I pray while I smoke?”

To which the Priest eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means.”

 

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

 

Color is Good! More Maxine Wisdom

 

Yesterday I went to the doctor

for my yearly physical.  
My blood  pressure was high,

my cholesterol was high,  
I'd gained  some weight,

& I didn't feel so hot.  
My doctor said eating

right doesn't have to be

complicated & it would

solve my physical problems.

He said just think in colors...
Fill your plate with

bright colors...  greens,

yellows, reds, etc.  
      
I went right home & ate

an entire bowl of :

 

 

And sure enough,

I felt better immediately.

I never knew eating right

could be so easy. 

The Best Living Will I've Seen

 

        

I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to

be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no

circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of

pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if

their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in

simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time

passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

 

              Glass of Wine

                 chocolate

                Margarita ?

                 chocolate?

                  Martini ?

                 Cold Beer

                  chocolate

            Chicken fried steak?

                cream gravy

                  chocolate

                Mexican food

                  chocolate

                 French fries

                   chocolate

                    Pizza

                   chocolate

                  ice cream?

                  cup of tea?

                   chocolate

                  Chocolate?

                      Sex

                   Chocolate

 

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct

my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the

plug, reel in the tubes, let the "fat lady sing". . and

call it a day!

Cute Grandparent Joke

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. 
 
"What is sex...?" 

He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if he's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. 

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. 

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. 

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

Remembering

  

   

 

  

  

  

Dementia Test!

Got this in an email. My kids & I had fun taking it!!!!

 

 

 

Your Yearly Dementia Test 

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. 
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of  intelligence.  Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.  The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 
 
 
 
 
1. What do you put in a toaster? 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.

 

If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 
 

 

 

 

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question.  Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

 

However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
 

 

 

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 

 
 

 

 
 
 

 
 
 
 
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these???
 

If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
 

 

 

 

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a  crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and  the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?  
 
 
  
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
Answer: You don't bury survivors. 

 

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.

 

If you said, "You  don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
 

 

 


5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?


 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! 
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!
Yes! YOU!


 

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you. 

To Be 6 Again...

 

To Be 6  Again...

       

    

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her  Birthday.
  
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.  
  
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of  Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
  

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. 
 
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was  reeling and her stomach felt  upside down. 
  
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra  fries and a chocolate shake. 
  
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,  M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband  and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and  lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??" 
  
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my  dress size, you dummy!"
 
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.