Disorder in the Courts...revisited

These are from a book called  Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court. Taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

_________________________

 ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:  No, I just lay there.

__________________________

 ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY:  In what way does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:  I forget.

ATTORNEY:  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  "Cathy, where am I?"

ATTORNEY:  Why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:  We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:  We do.

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:  Yes, voodoo.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty one.

__________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:  Are you s*#$! me?

__________________________

 ATTORNEY:  The date of the conception ( of the baby ) was August 8th?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  What were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:  Uh....I was gettin' laid.....

<SPANSTYLE="FONT-SIZE: Arial? FONT-FAMILY: italic; FONT-STYLE: black; COLOR: 12pt;>__________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?

WITNESS :  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?

WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?

WITNESS:  Are you serious? Your Honor, I need a different attorney...Can I get a new attorney?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:  By death.

ATTORNEY:  By whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:  He was medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or female?

WITNESS:  Guess......

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here today pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to you attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:  Oral.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time you examined the body?

WITNESS:  The autopsy started about 8:00 p.m.

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Smith was dead at the time?

WITNESS:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.....

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:  Uh, are you qualified to ask that question?

__________________________

                 AND LAST

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Then, could it be possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be sure?

WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive anyway?

WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practicing law.......

Funny

                      

Zen Sarcasm

     Zen Sarcasm

   1,  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

   3.   It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.           

                               
    4.  Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

    5.  Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    6.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    7.  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

    8.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 

     9.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
                                        
    10.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

     11.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

     12.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    13.  Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

    14.  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    15.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

     16.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.

     17,  Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

     18,  There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

     19,   Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

     20,  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
   

I Work Here

Subject: New work policies

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to our salary, if we see you wearing $750 Prada shoes & carrying a $900 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement or medical certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor,you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

PERSONAL LEAVE: Each employee will receive 104 days of personal leave a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

COMPANY VACATION DAYS: We are a good company that, on top of your entitlement to 104 days of personal leave a year,allows all employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The company vacation days are as follows: Jan 1 & Dec 25.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, and after work. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. However, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing (and not necessarily on toilet paper).

LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive ployment experience. Have a nice week!


From: Management Team

More Maxine

 

 

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE... 

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.    He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 

10. Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the- room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between nap

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!  
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?    

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.     
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on. 
 

 

Funnies

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,”honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond.”Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me thatyou are not holding up your side of things.”

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.
-----------------------------------------------------

 

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

 

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

 

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

 

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

 

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

“Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.

 

He whispered back, ” I found the remote!”

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, “Priest,may I smoke while I pray?”

But the Priest says, “No, my son, you may not. That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks,
“Priest, may I pray while I smoke?”

To which the Priest eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means.”

 

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

 

Color is Good! More Maxine Wisdom

 

Yesterday I went to the doctor

for my yearly physical.  
My blood  pressure was high,

my cholesterol was high,  
I'd gained  some weight,

& I didn't feel so hot.  
My doctor said eating

right doesn't have to be

complicated & it would

solve my physical problems.

He said just think in colors...
Fill your plate with

bright colors...  greens,

yellows, reds, etc.  
      
I went right home & ate

an entire bowl of :

 

 

And sure enough,

I felt better immediately.

I never knew eating right

could be so easy.