Reminder to me - #13

 

 

"There is no such thing as a simple act of compassion or an inconsequential act of service. Everything we do for another person has infinite consequences."

                                        - Caroline Myss

 

Merry Christmas

 

 

                Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht

Stille Nacht, heilige Nacht, Alles schläft; einsam wacht
Nur das traute hochheilige Paar.
Holder Knabe im lockigen Haar,
Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh! Schlaf in himmlischer Ruh!

Stille Nacht, heilige Nacht, Hirten erst kundgemacht
Durch der Engel Halleluja,
Tönt es laut von fern und nah:
Christ, der Retter ist da! Christ, der Retter ist da!

Stille Nacht, heilige Nacht, Gottes Sohn, o wie lacht
Lieb' aus deinem göttlichen Mund,
Da uns schlägt die rettende Stund'.
Christ, in deiner Geburt! Christ, in deiner Geburt!

           

                          Silent Night, Holy Night

Silent night, holy night, All is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin mother and child.
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace.

Silent night, holy night, Shepherds quake at the sight,
Glories stream from heaven afar,
Heavenly hosts sing alleluia;
Christ the Savior, is born! Christ the Savior, is born!

Silent night, holy night, Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from thy holy face,
With the dawn of redeeming grace,
Jesus, Lord, at thy birth. Jesus, Lord, at thy birth.

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Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

It's very, very early on Christmas morning that I am writing to you. knowing that you have not visited our home yet. My Christmas list is short this year, but contains something I wish for every year.

Two Christmas' ago, you brought me the perfect present. I didn't ask you for anything that Christmas because I had it all that year. It was probably the best Christmas I have ever had.

Last year, I asked for a Christmas miracle - for you to bring back to me someone who was still in my heart. I don't know how you were able to pull it off, but you gave me my miracle & I spent the second best Christmas I have ever had with someone very special to me.

So Santa, this year, I have only one thing written on my list. It's a big one, I know, but who else can I ask? It might be too late for this Christmas as I am sure you are near, waiting for me to turn out the lights & lay down to sleep, but would you bring......

....... someone who loves me as much as I love them? Who cares about me as much as I do them? One who makes me laugh & giggle & laughs with me? Someone who can forgive me as I can forgive them? A very special person who is willing to try and grow along with me?

I know it's a huge order & your elves must be exhausted, but would you, could you, dear Santa, bring me my Christmas wish?

So Santa, even though I have only one thing on my list this year, I know it's the biggest present anyone could ever ask for & receive. I guess I just have to keep believing (& praying for a big freakin miracle) that if it is too late for this Christmas, then there will be Christmas love in my future again (make it soon, ok?).

All my love...........

"K"

Side by Side

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for  several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

 One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

 As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...  You know what?"

 "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 "I think you're bad luck... get the *#@! away from me."

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Just Sharing

 

http://journals.aol.com/jasonzavoda/learning-to-fly/

Very Interesting

  What a difference a sad event in someone's life makes.

GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...)

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Funny

A husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose! The husband sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

Honey, break fast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping Love you!

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

The husband asks, "Son . . . what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

The husband asks, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT. Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'"

Broken table--$200
Hot breakfast--$5
Red rose bud--$3
Two aspirins--$.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . PRICELESS

Parent Job Description

If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging
Permanent work in an,
Often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
And organizational skills and be willing to work
Variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
And frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
Primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
Until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
Pack mule
And be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
In case, this time, the screams from
The backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
Such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
And stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
Coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
For clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
An embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
Half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
The quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
Janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
So that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this!  You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
Of the assumption that college will help them
Become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
You actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
No tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
No stock options are offered;
This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
And free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

 ** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT  --  EVER!!!

dance with me

 

When the marimba rythmn start to play,
Dance with me, make me sway
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close, sway me more

Like a flower bending in the breeze
Bend with me, sway with ease
When we dance you have a way with me
Stay with me, sway with me

Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have that magic technique
When we sway I go weak

I can hear the sound of violins
Long before it begins
Make me thrill as only you know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now

Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have that magic technique
When we sway I go weak

I can hear the sound of violins
Long before it begins
Make me thrill as only you know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now

When the marimba rythmn starts to play,
Dance with me, make me sway
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close, sway me more

Like a flower bending in the breeze
Bend with me, sway with me
When we dance you have a way with me
Stay with me, sway with me

When the marimba starts to play
Hold me close, make me sway
Like an ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close weary more

Like a flower bending in the breeze
Bend with me, sway with me
When we dance you have a way with me
Stay with me, sway with me

Sway
   ------Michael Buble

a wish

I wish I may
   I wish I might
     Have this wish
        I wish tonight.........

(cause the balloon thing only went to far!)

pray for a small miracle............

Happy Halloween

    

    Happy Halloween!

          

Disorder in the Courts...revisited

These are from a book called  Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court. Taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

_________________________

 ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:  No, I just lay there.

__________________________

 ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY:  In what way does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:  I forget.

ATTORNEY:  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  "Cathy, where am I?"

ATTORNEY:  Why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:  We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:  We do.

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:  Yes, voodoo.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty one.

__________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:  Are you s*#$! me?

__________________________

 ATTORNEY:  The date of the conception ( of the baby ) was August 8th?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  What were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:  Uh....I was gettin' laid.....

<SPANSTYLE="FONT-SIZE: Arial? FONT-FAMILY: italic; FONT-STYLE: black; COLOR: 12pt;>__________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?

WITNESS :  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?

WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?

WITNESS:  Are you serious? Your Honor, I need a different attorney...Can I get a new attorney?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:  By death.

ATTORNEY:  By whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:  He was medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or female?

WITNESS:  Guess......

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here today pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to you attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:  Oral.

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time you examined the body?

WITNESS:  The autopsy started about 8:00 p.m.

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Smith was dead at the time?

WITNESS:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.....

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:  Uh, are you qualified to ask that question?

__________________________

                 AND LAST

__________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Then, could it be possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be sure?

WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive anyway?

WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practicing law.......

Funny

                      

Zen Sarcasm

     Zen Sarcasm

   1,  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

   3.   It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.           

                               
    4.  Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

    5.  Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    6.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    7.  If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

    8.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 

     9.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
                                        
    10.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

     11.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

     12.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    13.  Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

    14.  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    15.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

     16.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.

     17,  Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

     18,  There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

     19,   Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

     20,  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
   

I Work Here

Subject: New work policies

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to our salary, if we see you wearing $750 Prada shoes & carrying a $900 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement or medical certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor,you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

PERSONAL LEAVE: Each employee will receive 104 days of personal leave a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

COMPANY VACATION DAYS: We are a good company that, on top of your entitlement to 104 days of personal leave a year,allows all employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The company vacation days are as follows: Jan 1 & Dec 25.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, and after work. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. However, both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing (and not necessarily on toilet paper).

LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive ployment experience. Have a nice week!


From: Management Team

More Maxine

 

 

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE... 

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.    He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 

10. Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the- room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between nap

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!  
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?    

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.     
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on. 
 

 

Funnies

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,”honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond.”Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but i’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me thatyou are not holding up your side of things.”

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.
-----------------------------------------------------

 

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

 

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

 

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

 

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

 

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

“Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.

 

He whispered back, ” I found the remote!”

---------------------------------------------------------

 

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, “Priest,may I smoke while I pray?”

But the Priest says, “No, my son, you may not. That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks,
“Priest, may I pray while I smoke?”

To which the Priest eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means.”

 

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

 

Color is Good! More Maxine Wisdom

 

Yesterday I went to the doctor

for my yearly physical.  
My blood  pressure was high,

my cholesterol was high,  
I'd gained  some weight,

& I didn't feel so hot.  
My doctor said eating

right doesn't have to be

complicated & it would

solve my physical problems.

He said just think in colors...
Fill your plate with

bright colors...  greens,

yellows, reds, etc.  
      
I went right home & ate

an entire bowl of :

 

 

And sure enough,

I felt better immediately.

I never knew eating right

could be so easy. 

The Best Living Will I've Seen

 

        

I, MAXINE , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to

be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no

circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of

pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if

their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in

simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time

passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

 

              Glass of Wine

                 chocolate

                Margarita ?

                 chocolate?

                  Martini ?

                 Cold Beer

                  chocolate

            Chicken fried steak?

                cream gravy

                  chocolate

                Mexican food

                  chocolate

                 French fries

                   chocolate

                    Pizza

                   chocolate

                  ice cream?

                  cup of tea?

                   chocolate

                  Chocolate?

                      Sex

                   Chocolate

 

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct

my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the

plug, reel in the tubes, let the "fat lady sing". . and

call it a day!

Cute Grandparent Joke

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. 
 
"What is sex...?" 

He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if he's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. 

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. 

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. 

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

Remembering

  

   

 

  

  

  

Dementia Test!

Got this in an email. My kids & I had fun taking it!!!!

 

 

 

Your Yearly Dementia Test 

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. 
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of  intelligence.  Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.  The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 
 
 
 
 
1. What do you put in a toaster? 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.

 

If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 
 

 

 

 

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question.  Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

 

However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
 

 

 

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 

 
 

 

 
 
 

 
 
 
 
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these???
 

If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
 

 

 

 

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a  crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and  the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?  
 
 
  
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
Answer: You don't bury survivors. 

 

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.

 

If you said, "You  don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
 

 

 


5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?


 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! 
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!
Yes! YOU!


 

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you. 

To Be 6 Again...

 

To Be 6  Again...

       

    

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her  Birthday.
  
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.  
  
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of  Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
  

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. 
 
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was  reeling and her stomach felt  upside down. 
  
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra  fries and a chocolate shake. 
  
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,  M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband  and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and  lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??" 
  
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my  dress size, you dummy!"
 
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.